Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
