Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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