I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
