I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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