Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
