Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
