Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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