Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
