theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
