I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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