everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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