I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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