Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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