he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
