just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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