you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
