So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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