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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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