Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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