she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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