I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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