Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
