I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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