my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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