I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
