Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I love black thongs
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
