Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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