i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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