Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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