Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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