I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
