Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
