Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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