i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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