Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
