Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize