I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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