the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
