One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you inspire me to be a worse person
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
