I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
