Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
