If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
