I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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