just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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