dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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