3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
