you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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