apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
