how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
please come you make the beer taste better
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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