We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
